this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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