Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
