every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
