so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
