well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
