Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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