birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
