I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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