I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
NoShamevember. You game?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
