i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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