Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
