The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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