so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
