the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
