I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
