I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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