Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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