The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
