My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
