I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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