I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
