do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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