checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
