I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
