i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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