you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
