I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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