I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
