it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
