God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
