The maid of honor just puked.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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