i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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