god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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