I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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