Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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