So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
