How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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