just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The struggles of a small town man whore
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
