the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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