He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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