apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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