A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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