can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
