its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
