pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
