i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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