Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
