If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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