Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
