I heard we made out
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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